You just made my list!

Hey cherries, suck my dick! You think you are so awesome just because you taste good in candy form, but guess what jerk, you suck as a fruit. Are you even a fruit? Are you a berry? Is a berry a fruit? See the problems you create?

You sit there so shiny and smug in your bin like you are the Beatles of the produce department, when clearly you are the Coldplay of the the supermarket. The first few seconds of a Coldplay song you think “Hey, is this that Radiohead song I like?” No, no it isn’t, and soon you realize it’s just Coldplay taking another shit in your ears. It’s the same sensation when you bite into a cherry. It looks like a perfect little bite-sized yummy red treat but you forgot about that stupid pit didn’t you? I don’t need to fuck around with no seeds when I’m getting my fruit on. My grandma used to buy grapes with seeds in them and every time I would visit I’d pop some of those suckers in my mouth, only to almost choke to death on those stupid seeds. Come on grandma, get your head in the game!

Cherries don’t even TASTE good.

In summation, cherries are Coldplay, Coldplay sucks, cherries suck and my grandma tried to ruin my childhood by purchasing seeded grapes. Now do you understand how I got this way?

P.S. Oranges are the Beatles of fruit. Pluots are the Pink Floyd of fruit and grapes are the Pixies. Bananas are the Talking Heads and Apples are the Rolling Stones. Grapefruits are Fall Out Boy!

There are two reasons I am going to keep this short.

1) I went out for drinks tonight, it’s late and I feel too lazy and uninspired to write about this dick knuckle.

2) I’m mad that I even know about this Kanye West, Taylor Swift bullshit.

3) I’m mad that I even know Taylor Swift’s name.

4) Some of these are funny and it’s easier to send you there than for me to put effort into my own website.

5) Kanye’s hair looks like a jacket De La Soul would have worn in 1989.

6) #5 makes sense to me, although I realize it will not to anyone else.

7) FUCK MTV!

Goodnight.

I am in such a rage spiral right now I can’t even think of a way to make this funny. After watching these two clips of the Tyra Banks audience literally shitting their XXL panties and giving themselves spontaneous miscarriages over the fact that Tyra is showing them her “real” hair, I am now going to pray to God to take me while I sleep tonight. Please God, kill me. No, don’t just kill me, make me explode or burst into flames! In your name I pray.

There is no way I am the same species as these cackling twats. These fuckers make the Oprah audience look like Buddhist monks! How did this happen? How did we become so stupid? Were people always this vapid and I’m just noticing now because of the internet?

Fuck everything.

Tyra explains something about her real hair while her audience fucks each other from the excitement.

TOUCH IT! LAY YOUR HANDS ON MY PRECIOUS HAIR!

I have always put off writing about Walmart because there is too much to say, and honestly, I’m too lazy to really do it justice. Let’s just say I would literally not spend a penny in Walmart, even if my life depended on it. I watched Walmart breeze into both of the tiny, rural towns my parents are from and completely destroy them. It goes deeper than just causing a bunch of mom-and-pop shops to close, it tears the community apart. In these small towns, Main Street was more than just a place to shop, it was an important bond that helped keep the residents connected. You bought school clothes for your children from the same people who sold you your school clothes when you were a kid. It matters, it just does. Walmart comes to town with all kinds of bullshit promises and just rapes the town. I fucking hate them.

It’s late and I don’t have the energy to write, so please enjoy this instead…

People of Walmart
(update: I think this site just crashed so the link might be broken. Fucking stupid Walmart)

If you are a man* there are very few occasions when a puka shell necklace is allowed on your body. They are…

1) You bought a used time machine on Ebay but the knob is stuck on 1972. It also has a glitch that changes your sex and turns your clothes into a bikini while traveling through time.

2) You are Tatum O’Neal or Jackie Earle Haley and you are starring in “The Bad News Bears.”

3) You are a corpse and your friends thought it would be hilarious to wreck your funeral by strapping some puka shells around your bloated neck.

4) You are Elvis.

5) You are David Cassidy.

6) You work at Abercrombie & Fitch and you swear you were just putting them on as a joke. Ha ha ha, right guys?

7) You are an incredible douche and you want the world to know it!

*check for penis in pants

This afternoon I entered what can only be described as a perfect storm of suckery. A portal to hell opened, and out climbed a collection of douchebags sent to Earth with one mission… to destroy me. This is my tragic tale.

I had to hit the post office this afternoon to ship something I sold on Ebay. It was a beautiful summer day, so even the long line I discovered could not ruin my mood. I say “long” line, but really I was only 7 or 8 people from the front. The package already had proper postage and was ready to go, but since it was kind of a valuable item I decided against dropping it off at the counter and waited in line with the rest of the creeps. It was this decision that caused several things I hate to begin converging.

1) Crazy people! As I was waiting patiently in line I heard the unmistakable sound of a crazy person outside. When I turned and looked out the window I could see he was engaged in a heated debate with the garbage can. Next thing you know, the lamp post chimes in and it’s two against one! I realize I should have compassion for these nutjobs, but I simply don’t, they annoy me. Maybe if I lived in a small town the local psychos would seem charming, but when you live in a major city and you are surrounded by crazies, the charm wears away quickly. Much to my delight, Crazy shook hands with the garbage can and lamp post and marched into the post office to take care of some important shipping.

2) People who get all up in my personal space! Luckily the crazy guy was now a mere 3 inches behind me. Nothing makes a long ling feel like a fucking long line like having a creepy crazy person’s breath blowing through your hair. Well, there is one way to make that line feel EVEN LONGER…

3) People who complain about long lines the entire time they are in a long line! Crazy must have had some important business to get back to at the office because he did not like this long line one bit! I don’t think he stopped talking about the length of the line for longer than 15 seconds. He explained to anyone who would listen (nobody) that the reason the line was long was because there was only one window open. You would think the post office employees would have taken his suggestion to hire more people seriously based on the fact that his shirt was on backward and his shoes were actually socks. It doesn’t get any better than this! Or does it…

4) People who sneeze near me! It was at this point that Crazy started to sneeze uncontrollably. UNCONTROLLABLY! He was like “I don’t understand why SNEEZE they don’t SNEEZE just hire SNEEZE some more people SNEEZE SNEEZE man SNEEZE I ain’t used to SNEEZE this air conditioning SNEEZE SNEEZE SNEEZE.” At least all of his sneeze mist was cooling me down. It was like one of those “cooling tents” at Lollapalooza but more horrible and vomit-inducing. If only there was a way to make his sneezing more annoying…

5) Saying “Bless you!” Every time Crazy would sneeze, the guy behind him in line would say “bless you.” Keep in mind this guy sneezed at least 25 times. How about someone bless me and toss a bucket of holy water in my face to kill the swine flu which was now undoubtedly starting to kill me.

Eventually I made my way to the counter and dropped off my box. Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last! All I had to do was walk out the door and my nightmare would finally be over. Wait, what is happening? Why can’t I get through the door?

6) People who stop in doorways! I have literally never felt the urge to stop in a doorway. Sadly the woman walking in front of me could not fight this urge. Nope, she stopped to read her receipt. I happen to know that she purchased postage for ONE ENVELOPE! What could possibly so important on that receipt that she would need to stop in a doorway to read it? I punched her in the side of the head and went on my way.

Was this as boring to read as it was to write?

Yeah, I know, why can’t I just enjoy wacky art cars like everyone else? Shut up hippie, don’t you have some armpits to not wash?

While you are excitedly posing for a photo with these cluster fucks, I shoot hate lasers out of my eyes at you. You can’t feel it, but from my point-of-view, it’s pretty devastating. I can’t decide who I hate more, you for liking these dumb cars, or the hippie turd who spent the last 5 years gluing doll heads and action figures to his mom’s car when he could have used that time showering. It’s such a sad cry for attention, even more so than blogging.

The thing is, there is no art involved in the creation of an art car. Sticking dirty toys to something is not art. These lazy hippies can’t even come up with an idea more original than doll heads and Happy Meal toys. Does anyone like hippies? I don’t even think hippies like hippies.

I’m tired. This post sucked. It sucked, but not as much as art cars, you hippie.

Piece of shit.