You just made my list!

I’m taking a day off, but these childhood photos of Guy Fieri (Real name Guy Ramsay Ferry) should get you through the day. You can already see the seeds of douchiness beginning to grow. I just can’t believe he’s not a natural blond!

I want to take a time machine back just so I can fill his hat with that mustard, Bad News Bears style. Original Bad News Bears style, not that piece of shit remake!

Leave me alone.

What is it about highly decorative facial hair that hypnotizes douchebags like a moth to a flame?

Walking around with a soul patch or a god-awful chin beard is like announcing to the world “I grew a pussy on my face because that’s the only way I will ever get near one.”

While the soul patch and chin beard are equally horrifying, they tend to attach themselves to an entirely different group of tools. Your average chin beard can usually be found sprouting from the unwashed face of most species of white trash, including suburban metal heads, guys who work as bouncers at suburban metal clubs, guys who weld metal by day and play in metal bands by night and guys who pretend to be UFC fighters while listening to metal in their bedrooms. If you really want to take your chin pubes to the next pathetic level just ask your little sister or your mom to dye and/or braid your little face forest (see Alice in Chains, Korn, Anthrax, et al.)

The soul patch is more elusive and difficult to nail down. Tiny lip pussies can be found on middle class beach hippies, jazzbos, ultimate frisbee enthusiasts and old white guys in blues bands. It’s a regular United Nations of douchery. The chin beard sends a “I’m not playing by your rules” message but a soul patch meekly whispers “I’m playing by most of your rules.”

In both cases everyone loses.

Here’s a spoiler… you’re a dick.

I wouldn’t have even noticed how shitty your car was if you didn’t stick that ridiculous spoiler on the trunk of your mom’s car, but now it’s all I can think about. Well, I’m also possessed with the thought of forcing you off the road and watching your car roll over five times, fully engulfed in flames. Oh, that’s right, your car CAN’T roll over thanks to that $30 spoiler forcing your 1996 Honda Civic to grip the road like a Formula-1 race car! You win this one Brad.

Thank God that “wing” of yours is keeping your car on the road as you race through the streets of Beaver’s Knob, Wisconsin on your way to work at Bed Bath & Beyond. Oh Brad, I also wanted to let you know, that fat tailpipe you installed doesn’t make your car sound at all like a moped. On the contrary B Dawg, that crazy thing makes you sound like a fucking jet fighter.

Honestly Brad, when you zoom past me in your space ship car that sounds like a cordless drill, my Dockers get a little tight.

How to “churn the butter”

Step one – Be white.

Step two – Drink two beers (preferably light beer).

Step three – Place upper teeth over bottom lip.

Step four – Think it’s 1989.

Step five – Extend arms from body and move them in circles (preferably not in rhythm to the shitty music playing at your lame office party).

Step six – Look around office party proudly, for you are now the funniest guy in Mergers and Acquisitions.

Step seven – Poop out what little dignity you have left and give up on life*

*If you are male, now is a good time to get adjusted to the new vagina in your Dockers.

These kids think churning butter is funny. These kids are wrong.

If you were like me, you’d be more awesome. You would also have no idea who the fuck this creepy little twerp is. That is until now, the moment when I proudly ruin your life.

I can’t stomach children who act like adults and I especially can’t stand kids who act like the kind of adults you would like to hit in the balls with a shovel. More often than not, “performer” kids end up fulfilling this role. While most kids are setting crap on fire and punching each other in a kickass Kung-Fu fashion, these horrifying turds are jazz-handsing their way to a life of Bedazzled vests and cats named “Lady Precious.” I’m not talking about the normal brand of show choir nerd, I’m talking about weirdos like this Anthony Gargiula who try to eye-fuck you while singing “Sexual Healing” at Six Flags. I just want to eat this fried dough in peace, so please stop making love to my ears and go check your Underoos for poopies.

Good luck making it through these clips without digging your eyes out and jamming them into your ears.

Thank God you protected your 1997 Dodge Neon from possible dings by parking in five spots. I wish your parents aborted you.

These assholes should be sterilized. The sterilization process should consist of their shitty car being shoved up their penis until it explodes. I honestly want these people to die. Seriously, I want all people who park in two spaces in some pathetic attempt to protect their shitty car to die. Actual death. DIE!

I just realized there  is not much more to say about this subject and now I’m panicking because everyone is going to be like, “Listy, you suck. You’re off your game.” So let me say this, fuck off. Sometimes I just need to complain and not be funny. Also, I’m in a very good mood thanks to many beers and it’s hard to complain when you are feeling jolly. So don’t bother telling me I suck, I already know.

So, to sum it up, people who park in two parking spots should be murdered.

Also, this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. If you disagree, please stop visiting my website.

I ran out of time to write today. So let’s just say that Kat Von D is an amazing tattoo artist, but she’s fucking ANNOYING! Enough with the perpetual duck lips, you look like a 15-year-old Myspace whore trying to look like an 18-year-old Myspace whore. And who is even using Myspace anymore?

That’s all I got, I suck. Feel free to show me up in the comments.

Fart.

There I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, Celtic Thunder takes a big ol’ Irish shit all over my TV!

Well, at least I now know why Irish Dancing is popular… people in Ireland are RETARDED! You heard me Ireland, get your shit together!

I was once like you. Well, I was like a more awesome version of you. Anyway, I once roamed the planet without any knowledge that on that very same planet a group of drunk (I’m assuming) lip-syncing Irish assholes were prancing around on stage like some sort of evil tampon commercial directed by Walt Disney. And the audience is eating this shit up like it’s free cabbage. Do Irish people eat cabbage? I’m assuming they do.

This has got to be one of the most horrifying things ever created by man. These turds make Hitler look like Mr. Rogers and Haiti seem like a perfectly good spring break destination. I’m serious, this is the worst thing I have ever seen.

You know, I’m half Irish but after discovering Celtic Thunder I’m thinking about cutting myself in half and letting some dogs eat the Irish side.

Never has an unplugged guitar rocked so hard.

Caution: This will make you grow a vagina. If you already have a vagina, get ready for another, more vagina-y, one!