So here’s the deal. This past year has been really difficult for me for various personal reasons but I was finally at a stage where it looked like I was past the worst stuff and the future was bright. The biggest hurdle left, both literally and figuratively, was selling my house and moving. In more ways than I can explain, this move was the one thing I have been focusing on for months and it was going to be the official beginning of the next stage of my life. Well, the move happened this past Saturday but the day before my house was robbed. I spent weeks carefully packing up my life into boxes and daydreaming about unpacking everything in my “new life.” I came home less than 24 hours before my move to find every box torn apart and the contents strewn across the floor. It was the most sickening feeling I had ever felt. I walked to my home office knowing what I would find. Even through I knew what to expect I still wanted to die when I saw my office destroyed and an empty space on my desk where my computer once lived. I earn my entire living on that computer so it is not unlike someone discovering their restaurant or store burned to the ground. I don’t need to go into detail, but I will be dealing with the aftermath of this home invasion for months. What devastates me the most is that they not only stole things I worked incredibly hard for, but they took my new beginning from me. They stole the finish line that I have been crawling towards for almost a year.
I have a lot of unpleasant bullshit to deal with now and it will take my full attention. I may or my not return, I honestly don’t know. It’s a fresh wound so maybe in a week or so I will feel like continuing but I just feel too defeated right now.
On any given day I can be found employing some of the most powerful modern technology to do important things like look up who directed Meatballs 4 or find nude photos of Beverly D’Angelo. My friends and I zoom essential text messages like, “This hallway smells like farts” up into space, where some billion-dollar satellite that took decades to design safely delivers our fart-filled messages back to earth in literally seconds. I’m sure that was the dream of the geniuses who invented the microchip, the computer, the satellite, the cell phone, etc.
The iPhone is mostly to blame for my daily shedding of precious IQ points. If you ever make the mistake of pondering anything out loud, no matter how insignificant, in front of an iPhone owner, you can expect to have that question answered in a matter of seconds. What’s that you say? What was the name of the movie where Tom Cruise’s ex-wife gets her boobs massaged for an hour and a half? Let me check that for you… bleep bleep blorp beep bop boing… The answer is Mimi Rogers in Full Body Massage. Actually, that’s a bad example because any self-respecting straight man should know the answer to that. I should have said… What is Mimi Rogers bra size? (checking my iPhone) The Answer is 38D. Thanks technology!
I sat down today to write about how I am always tricked by the intro to songs by the band Chicago. What I mean is that a song by Chicago will come on the radio and I will think “Oh this must be that one song by Chicago that I like” but then after the intro it will start sucking and I reach for the dial. At least that’s what I thought, until tonight.
I’ve been combing through Youtube clips trying to find songs to support this important theory but I keep finding songs that are good all the way through. I thought I nailed it with “Feeling Stronger Everyday” but realized I kind of like the whole song.
This might not seem important to you, but it has really shaken me to my core. I have spent the last few decades HATING the band Chicago and now, in the blink of an eye, I like them. Imagine if you were molested by your uncle and then 20 years later you suddenly thought, “You know what, that was fun.” That’s how I feel right now.
Now let’s not get crazy though, I’m only talking about 70s Chicago. 80s Chicago is horrendous. In fact, shove this piece of shit in your head holes. Take special note of two things while watching this. First notice the douche in the beginning of the clip who is way overly excited when he realizes what song they are starting to play. He turns to his big-breasted date and yells “YEAH” with enthusiasm that most men save for touchdowns and killer putts. Not to mention the fact that he’s wearing some bullshit, tucked-in, corporate logo shirt AND a giant class ring. Shit, I should have just written the whole post about this turd. The second thing to look for is the woman in the audience at the 0:37 mark who hears what song it is and promptly decides to get the fuck out of Dodge. I like that the song inspires her to go take a dump while over in the 4th row that other guy is crying tears of joy all over his girlfriend’s cleavage and single red rose.
Oh my God, this clip is PAINFUL! Are any original band members even in this clip?
What the hell was this post even about? I need more beers.
OK, I have decided to just take his week off and I will be back on Monday, so pull up your panties and quit crying like an Oprah fan who just received a free hemorrhoid pillow. It took me approximately 37 tries to spell “hemorrhoid” correctly.
Sorry guys, I have been absolutely swamped and have been trying to get ready for a move on top of everything. I should put my entire life on my list because it SUCKS BALLS right now. I will be back, I promise.
I’m going to try and write something real tomorrow but these fucking holidays are killing me! I’m so popular that EVERYONE wants me at their party. I never get a free moment to just sit and watch People’s Court anymore. I’m also moving in a couple weeks, so that’s sucking my ass too.
To make it up to you, I will share my favorite song about Canada.
It’s 2:43 am and I simply have nothing to complain about right now. I just got home from a night of drinks with old friends and for once I’m in a good mood. I guess Listy is getting soft, and for this I apologize.
I hope you all have a great Holiday, thanks for listening to my bullshit. Except Guy Fieri, I hope his Christmas sucks major ass and is not at all “money.”
I suck. I just can’t get my shit together this week. I’m moving soon and in the process of selling or giving away a ton of shit. I gave away 70% of my record collection this morning. That sucked. I will try to write something new tomorrow, I know your life depends on it.
