You just made my list!

Boy are you about to be cheated! I bought a new iMac that’s the size of a drive-in movie screen and I have been setting it up all night. I just realized I forgot to write something for you and now your day is most likely ruined. I am truly sorry. I owe you one.

In other news… Dana Carvey sucks huge amounts of ass and has been funny approximately 2 times. I can’t tell you when those 2 times occurred, but I am assuming they must have happened.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

The mission of the Klingon Language Institute, is to “bring together individuals interested in the study of Klingon linguistics and culture, and provide a forum for discussion and the exchange of ideas.” If you translate that into normal human language, their mission is to “never bring a vagina anywhere near their penises.”

When I think about how little extra time I have in my life to do worthwhile things, and then imagine these buttholes sitting around on a Saturday night with a 2-liter of Mountain Dew and a Klingon dictionary, it makes me want to… what’s the word… makes me want to tlhaw’ these nerds right in the DIrons!

If this isn’t ghuH ghong, I don’t know what is!

Dreams DO come true! Paula Deen is used to large amounts of food flying towards her face, but this time the food won the battle. Sit back and enjoy Paula Deen getting hit in the face with a ham.

In general, I find football to be boring. I don’t mind the getting together with friends and eating/drinking aspect of it, but there is just too much downtime in the game for me to get excited by it. What I have zero patience for is sports shows that prattle on and on about every boring detail like a kitchen full of old hens gossiping about who wasn’t at church on Sunday. However, nothing makes me more embarrassed for humanity than a bunch of guys in suits acting out football plays and discussing strategy on a miniature field. It’s sad and reminds me of this.

Oh, but the madness does not stop there. Now they have added virtual players that interact with the suit guys, creating what looks like a video game so slow your parents might actually be able to keep up with it. Why do we need this? Plus, I just hate these guys with their huge gorilla hands, their giant sports rings and their wide-legged stance. I can feel the noogies through the TV.

Couldn’t find a football example but this should give you just as many nightmares.

I thought we were done with this ridiculous idiot. There is nothing more that needs to be said about this moronic dolt, so instead I will rank the cast of Friends from best to worst.

Joey Tribbiani
This is a no-brainer. I mean come on, it’s Joey! He’s clearly the most lovable friend. He’s an actor, a cocksman and he got his head stuck in a turkey.

Monica Geller
Sure, Monica is a neat freak and highly competitive but she’s also fun. She’s one of the guys. She’ll kick your ass at ping pong or Ms. Pac-Man and look good while doing it. She gets points taken off for banging Chandler though. That’s just gross.

Ross Geller
The spot for the third best friend is almost a tie but Ross squeaks by for his goofy antics. Who can forget the leather pants incident or the spray tan fiasco? Plus, he had a pet monkey and that’s worth a lot in my book. Points deducted for being in love with Rachel and for all his serious, dramatic moments. Blah.

Chandler Bing
Could Chandler BE anymore in fourth place? The Chandler and Joey roommate years were great. They had a pet duck and for a while their only piece of furniture was a canoe. Let’s not forget his romance with the lovely Janice, who I believe is his true soul mate. Chandler could have taken the third spot if not for all those hideous vests he wore over the years. Plus he got fat once he started dating Monica. Come on Chandler, Mon deserves better!


Phoebe Buffay
Sorry Phoebe, but as a hippie you must rank low on the list. When her mother committed suicide it must have been incredibly difficult for Phoebe and her twin sister Ursula so I feel a little guilty ranking her so low.


Rachel Green
Rachel Sucks.

No biggie, I didn’t want to actually WATCH the show I was watching. In fact, I would much rather watch the cute little animation of the Whorewives of Whoreville dance around like whores, getting their whore juice all over my TV. I would also like to thank you for reminding me what program I am currently watching. Sometimes I’ll be watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” but until my TV tells me I’m watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” I think I am watching The McLaughlin Group.

I have wanted to write about Oprah for a long time but never had the energy. I felt like I needed to present some intelligent argument with facts and figures, but after I saw the the interview Oprah did with the woman (Charla Nash) who had her face torn off by a chimp, I realized she does not deserve my time. Oprah is no better than a common freak show carnival barker and she disgusts me.

There is ABSOLUTELY no reason a woman who was injured by an animal to be front page news and there is ABSOLUTELY no reason for Oprah to interview said person. Unless their fucking face was ripped off by a monkey and they are horribly deformed, right Oprah? If a woman was kicked in the back by a horse and lost the use of her legs but looked just as pretty as ever, would high and mighty Oprah fight to be the first to interview them? Of course not. What Oprah did with this woman was nothing more than exploitation and it was disgusting. What can be learned from this interview? Nothing. She just wanted to be the first to reveal that horribly disfigured face for ratings.

What really pisses me off is that she is no better than Maury Povich and his parade of horribleness yet she is looked upon as the second coming. In fact, people are more devoted and obedient to her than they are to Jesus.

Oprah’s exploitation of this poor woman is no different than some carnival barker showing off the Elephant Man to crowds of horrified people. She can speak in all the hushed tones she wants but there is no difference.

Fuck Oprah and fuck her obnoxious disciples.

While the rest of you jerks were out having fun this Halloween weekend I was in bed for 2 days straight with some mystery illness that will most likely kill me by Thursday. One of the many perks to being sick is watching things on TV that would normally have you diving for the remote. When the new TLC program “Mall Cops: Mall of America” soiled itself all over my TV screen, it was almost like one of those nightmares where a psycho killer is approaching with a huge knife but you stand there paralyzed, unable to move. I felt like James Caan in Misery and these mall cops were my own personal Kathy Bates whacking me across the shins with their incredibly boring existence.

As you might have deduced from the title, Mall Cops: Mall of America follows mall security guards as they patrol the gritty, mean streets of the largest mall in America. Now, try to imagine how boring that sounds. Got it? Now, take your prediction and make it 100 times more boring and you are almost there.

What I am about to write is real. I did not make any of this up, this is what really happened in the one hour program…

– Some teen star named Demi Lovato is going to sign autographs but not every fan could get a wristband. This causes many prepubescent tears.

– An approaching storm might cause the autograph signing to be canceled. Why? Because lightning might be able to come inside the mall? Huh?

– A mall cop needs to check the badges of some construction workers. They all have badges. Carry on.

– A call for medical assistance rings out over the radio! A mall cop rushes through the mall with a lifesaving kit! The victim is a 6-year-old with a tiny scrape on his leg. She gives him two Band-aids because “sometimes kids like two Band-aids.”

– Storm approaching! Where’s Demi? Girls crying! Mothers bitching and whining!

– The manager of an ice cream store has an expired badge. He was warned about this before, so out he goes. The fate of the ice cream is unknown.

– An old lady cries because she can’t find her car. Bicycle mall cops find it for her.

– A creepy couple gets married at the Mall of America wedding chapel. The bride and groom want to ride the log flume. The mall cops are worried her long dress could be dangerous on the ride. They ride the logs without incident.

– The storm clears and 17-year-old Demi Lovato arrives looking like a 29-year-old prostitute. She signs autographs without incident.

– A mall cop finds a lost baby sock and immediately goes on patrol searching for a baby wearing only one sock. Sadly, the tiny sock is never reunited with its family.

I’m going back to bed.