I know I should be happy for guys like Edward Williams who won big in the Kansas lottery TWICE this year, but all I can think when I see his, or any winner’s smiling face, is fuck you. Take that giant check and shove it up your money hole. This turd won $75,000 in September playing a scratch off ticket and just last week he won nearly $900,000 when he matched all the numbers in the “Super Kansas Cash” drawing. Once again, fuck you.
My level of jealousy for these people is sickening. I cannot play any form of the lottery because the second I buy my ticket I am CONVINCED I am going to win. There is no doubt in my mind I will soon be purchasing 4 white tigers (to eat) and a solid gold suit of armor that I will exclusively wear for no apparent reason. I don’t consider for a second that I might not win. I mentally prepare myself for all the begging and groveling my soon to be ex-friends will do at my feet and the various ways I will tell them to eat shit. Of course all my fantasies of delicious tiger sandwiches and diamond-encrusted toilet paper disappear as I realize, one by one, that I have not hit a single number.
So to all you big winners out there, let me be the first person to say, go fuck yourself.
Can you believe there are still Americans who reject science? I can. Just look at the popularity of that fucking dolt, Sarah Palin! I’m trying to think of something funny to say about these ridiculous, religious morons, but nothing I write could ever be as funny as just letting them speak for themselves. Up is down, black is white and peanut butter is a perfectly reasonable metaphor for the planet Earth? Fuck me.
To call these people retarded would be an incredible insult to retarded people. These assholes actively choose to be stupid. They choose to ignore the overwhelming facts that disprove their childish theories. To say they stick their heads in the sand is an insult to sand. I’m not sure exactly why, but it just is. Get your dumb head out of my sand!
In this clip, Kirk Cameron and some douchebag present “the atheist’s nightmare,” the banana!!! Kirk sits there with his trademark vacant shit-eating grin while Mustache jerks off a banana and spews his 1st grade deductions. By the way fuck face, here’s God’s banana, what you are holding is a domesticated banana created by man! Idiots.
Proof that either God does not exist or he’s a shitty product designer. Get your head out of your ass, God!
If you are a fan of intelligent design, take a good look at one of your “scholars.” Imbecile.
My head is literally spinning from all these dimwits. This is the only thing that can make me feel better. This and about 15 beers.
The internet isn’t big enough for the number of times I want to say FUCK YOU to the world of slam poetry. Just the thought of these losers sends a chill through my body. What is the point of this bullshit and why ARE-THEY-ALWAYS-YELLING?
Yelling isn’t the only thing you can count on when watching these asswipes slam poetry into your face. You can also expect to see a lot of pseudo hip hop hand gestures. These bent wrists and mangled fingers do not only belong to black “poets” dressed all hip hoppy, oh no my friend, you will see plenty of overweight white chicks in Tina Fey glasses popping and locking like they are Flavor Flav at the BET Awards®.
And what is with that annoying cadence they all use? It’s hard to describe in print, but it goes something like this…
These assholes are the worst people on the planet. They do not deserve to share the oxygen we breathe. They are worse than serial killers, they are worse than Hitler.
These people pull up to a red light in the left lane of an intersection without a left turn lane. You feel safe and cozy about pulling up behind them because they are obviously not turning left. I mean how could they POSSIBLY be turning when their blinkers are off? You are so happy with your lane choice that you crank up the Creed song on the radio and fucking rock the fuck out! Life is good. Ding, the light turns green but wait, what is that? Suddenly, without warning these fuckfaces casually turn on their left turn signal and your life will never be the same.
Listen up dicks, turn your blinker on BEFORE you get to the intersection! Your turn signal is there to tell people “Hey, I’m going to be turning in the future” not “Hey, I’m turning NOW!” Waiting to pop that son-of-a-bitch on when the light turns green is pointless and I hate you.
Oh, hi corn, it’s nice to see you again. I haven’t seen you since the BBQ. Did you enjoy your trip through my body?
Remind me again why I even bother eating corn-on-the-cob. I don’t even like the way it tastes that much and I hate the way it gets stuck between my teeth. Then, corn has the audacity, the arrogance, the fucking GALL to just scoot right through me without doing shit. Literally! Ooooh, I get so mad when I see those perfect, little, yellow kernels glaring up at me from the toilet. I can almost see their tiny middle fingers raised high in my direction.
You know who wore Members Only jackets? My dad in 1985. You know who looked cool in his Members Only jacket? Nobody.
Nobody ever looked cool in a Members Only jacket but compared to this hipster turd, my dad looked like fucking Burt Reynolds. At least my dad was trying to look awesome, unlike hipsters who want you to believe they look like assholes on purpose. Ironic hipsters think they can hide the fact that they are dorks by making you believe they are dorky on purpose. American Apparel has based most of their products on this theory.
Well I for one have had enough of this bullshit, so ironic hipsters beware because I’m going to be shaving your mustaches and shredding your Members Only bullshit the next time I see you.
Have you seen this banner ad online yet? I see it, plus other variations, all the time and it just does not sit well with me. It makes me want to shower. My brain wants desperately to figure out which photo is “before” and which is “after” but all I see is before and more before. I have been waking up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat, screaming “BEFORE! BEFORE!”
I did a little nosing around about this ad and the site “cathysteeth.com” that it advertises. Turns out there are about 100 variations of this “mom’s blog” all telling the same story but from the beautiful white mouths of different fake moms. Just google the following sentence and you will see what I mean…
I discovered a two-product combination that works better than anyone could have expected
I used to just hate the ad because it made me physically ill, but now I hate it because it’s just another example of people trying to scam each other. Fuck everyone. Not you though, you are my favorite.
