You just made my list!

OK, everyone can stop crying about it now, the transfer to my new host has begun. I will be back up and complaining in a hilarious fashion in a couple days. Lucky for you all this bullshit is making me extra angry and cranky. I’m about to go off the rails.

For the first time since I was in high school I have a TV in my bedroom. It is thanks to this TV that I have been exposed to Kelly Ripa and her parade of enthusiastic nonsense!

Regis Philbin is either retarded or the most patient human on the planet. I feel like you could stick that man in a garbage bag filled with mosquitoes and he would keep on smiling and telling stories about having lunch with Charles Nelson Reilly or whatever the hell he talks about.

Kelly Ripa is that horrible kind of woman who thinks, and knows, she is oh so adorable and no matter how fucking annoying she is people fall all over themselves to love her. She could stand up on that desk and explode diarrhea all over Regis while eating a kitten and the audience of sassy hairs would giggle and hoot like a bunch of mindless idiots. The worst thing is that if I ever met Kelly Ripa I would probably fall under her whore spell (3 whore references in 4 days!) like a zombie. I’m trying to convince myself otherwise, but I would probably smile and thank her for blasting shit all over my face too.

Why is Kelly Ripa constantly shooting poop on people?

Lucky you, today you get to hear me complain about two things that suck.

1) The Apple store!

Let me first say that I love Apple products. However, I’m not a blind “fanboy,” rather I love Macs because they FUCKING WORK and as a graphic designer there is no substitute. Unfortunately I have had to spend a lot of time in the Apple store this week due to the cockless anus face who stole my computer. Have you been in an Apple store recently? They are bucking the system by eliminating any form of check out counter. Instead, each hip t-shirt-wearing employee has the ability to complete your purchase right there where they are standing in their skinny jeans. This may look cool, but it means the end of waiting in a orderly line to be served. The only way, literally, to be served in an Apple store is to stand in the middle of the floor with a confused look, like a sad puppy begging for a Snausage. It makes you feel like a whore standing on a street corner trying to out-whore the other whores.

2) Threadless iPhone cases!

If you have any doubt as to why I FUCKING HATE Threadless, please watch this video and it will all be clear. These fucking assholes at Griffin Technology and Threadless are acting like they cured cancer when they accidentally mixed their cure for A.I.D.S. with their cure for multiple sclerosis. Mark McGlon (never has a last name so perfectly described a lumpy tub of crap) practically has tears in his fat eyes as he describes the printing of doodles on plastic iPhone cases as “brilliant.” Brilliant? BRILLIANT?!? And if you ever wanted to see inside the empty mind of a Threadless design winner (and Threadless employee… hmmmmm), please watch douchebag hipster nerd Joe Van Wetering describe the BRILLIANT design process behind his doodles. Please get your gentle voice and Hitler hair out of my dreams and into my car, where I will drive you to a warehouse and force you to makeout with a girl.

Fuck EVERYTHING and fuck EVERYONE!

OK, I needed to get that out of my system.

Under the best of circumstances I rarely feel whimsical. I hate precious whimsy and I hate effervescent French clowns who run around spewing their made-up jolly language all over wide-eyed suburbanites who happily pay $100 to sit on their fat asses in a tent and watch miniature Chinese slave girls throw each other around with their tiny doll-sized feet.

Did I say I rarely feel whimsical? I meant to say I NEVER feel whimsical. It’s this lack of whimsy that prevents me from pissing my Dockers with excitement when the gay Cirque du Soleil clowns pull some “dad” from the audience and suddenly Mr. Pretend Audience Guy can fly across the tent, powered only by the warmth of his heart. Is it possible to groan so hard that you pass out? And don’t give me any of this, “Why can’t you leave your troubles at the door and see the world through the eyes of a child?” First of all, this stupid tent has no doors, and secondly, prepare your balls for the kicking of a lifetime.

The second worst thing about Cirque du Soleil is the way they keep repackaging the exact same show over and over by simply throwing some new bullshit meaningless name like “Zeedoo” across the marquee. “Oh, Zeedoo is totally different than Pü. In Zeedoo the contortionists are tortured Chinese girls and in Pü they are tortured Romanian girls.”

So what’s the worst thing about Cirque du Soleil? They gave this fuck face a job. If that doesn’t suck the whimsy out of you, nothing will.

Who is coming up with this shit?

If I am to believe this bus ad for Credit Union 1, I have to ignore everything I have learned from over 3 decades of pornographic magazines and movies. These credit union jerks actually want me to be impressed by this woman’s “figure!” They actually want men to get HORNY from this? I mean sure, I love to see a woman in a red blazer from Dress Barn (I am a man) but this angry mom is not doing it for me. I’m not saying she’s real-life ugly but she’s hot-girl-in-an-ad ugly. And these jokers want to be in charge of MY financial future?

I don’t even know what to say about this billboard for Wheels of Chicago. The first time I saw it I was so bewildered that I accidentally kept driving until I woke up in an IHOP parking lot in Jackson Mississippi. I have no memory of driving there and could not tell you why I was no longer wearing pants. Luckily for you I got a solid C- in high school Spanish and should be able to translate this for you. Basically it says “Are you homeless? Do you smear your feces on your face? Bad credit? We don’t give a shit, we’ll sell you a car poo face!”

Thanks for cock-blocking me Mother Nature, you bitch.

Can I just have one tiny bit of pleasure in life? Is it too much to ask? I didn’t start this sneeze, I didn’t ask for this sneeze, but for the love of all things holy can you just let me finish what YOU started? Not getting that sneeze out is like going to a Metallica concert and after the stadium lights go down the fucking Spin Doctors walk out on stage and start Two Prince-ing and Little Miss Can’t be Wrong-ing all over the place. Although, nowadays it might actually be like going to a Metallica concert and Metallica walks on stage.* Can someone awesome please just walk on stage and can I PLEASE just finish this goddamn sneeze!

In other disturbing sneezing news, did you realize there is a sexual fetish for sneezing? Seriously, click here, but be warned it is kind of like porn. Kind of.

*You see, Metallica are old now and no longer rock as they once did in their youth. Therefore, if today’s Metallica took the stage it might be a disappointment, much like not being able to sneeze.

Wraps. Fuck you.

Sweet Jesus, can’t you tell from the pained look on my face and the way I’m touching my nose that you have a booger hanging by a thread in your nostril? Oh God, please, I’m begging you with all my mind power to shoot it out with a hardy nose laugh. PLEASE let me just pick it! ANYTHING TO END THIS PAIN!

I’m not sure there is anything that makes me more uncomfortable than having a conversation while a little booger mocks me from the outer limits of its established universe. If someone was to start pooping on the floor in the middle of a conversation with me, I don’t think it would make me feel as uneasy as some dried-up booger flapping around in the wind.

Why are those tiny boogers so mesmerizing? I feel like my eyes are attached to them by a wire when I see one. I want to look away but I find it physically impossible. Maybe if I stare at it hard enough I can make it explode into booger dust.

Everything you never wanted to know about the word booger, explained by a mail-order Russian bride who thinks she is hotter than she is. I hate the internet.