To be fair, CNN is not the only network playing with giant iPhones and ridiculous “holograms,” but I think they were the first so they deserve to be punished.
Every time I see John King or Anderson Cooper fingering that giant screen on CNN, a little barf comes up. Can someone explain to me how some turd in a suit molesting a map helps me better understand election results or the 5 day weather forecast? It may look cool but it’s utterly useless. I hate that the news has to look like the fucking X-Games now. Ooooh look, Wolf Blitzer is standing up, this newscast is EXTREME, TO THE MAX! I think I mostly blame Fox News for this style of news. Maybe I mostly blame dumb Americans. I might also blame Mtv. Maybe I just blame everyone who isn’t me.
I miss the days of anchors like Walter Cronkite who actually understood the news they were reporting. Cronkite didn’t need to slide shit all over the screen to deliver the news, he just looked you in the eye and said “Sit down, shut up, here’s the news.”
Hold on a second, I’m getting a text… What’s that? Meet at Monica’s pool? Bring Smirnoff Ice, turntables, foam cushions and an ironic hat? What are my crazy friends up to now?!?
You know why none of these wacky commercials featuring hipsters organizing and pulling off crazy magical stunts make any sense? Because douchebag hipsters lack the ability to get off their dirty asses to do anything, unless it involves 10 speed bikes and/or skinny jeans. If real hipsters were to attempt to fill a pool with foam and jump into it, I can guarantee the local emergency room would be filled with ironic mustaches and body odor that night.
Much like the world’s most ridiculous appropriation of “youth culture” for advertising purposes, these commercials ask you to believe the world is filled with twenty-somethings dressed in thrift store clothes who spend their days doing awesome secret stuff. The kind of stuff that you remember the rest of your life, like eating fake mayonnaise on a roof! Sounds KILLER dude!
Hey, let’s steal some cushions, ruin a pool and share our lice!
Hey, let’s steal lifesaving fire extinguishers and vandalize a gas station!
Hey, let’s wreck a highway and then put our smelly heads close together while driving on it, as if leaning over helps you hear better, you dicks!
Hey, let’s break into a cemetery and wreck it with our body odor!
Can you please explain to me how this fat face had the highest rated show on late night television?
When I say I don’t understand Jay Leno’s popularity I mean I literally can’t comprehend it in exactly the same way I will never be able to wrap my head around the creation of the universe or the musical stylings of Nickelback. I mean, I can even understand the popularity of Carrot Top! The Top glues a bicycle horn to a toilet seat, gives it a funny name and all of us in the audience shake our heads and think “how does that sum’bitch come up with this stuff?” Then we literally laugh so hard our NASCAR hats fly off our heads on to the Skoal spit covered floor. But Jay Leno? What the fucking fuck?
And while you’re at it Jay, can you stop buying every car and motorcycle on the planet? We get it, you are rich on an inconceivable level and your garage is worth more than the lives of my entire family. You win.
Speaking of Jay Leno and Kanye West… I’m sure most of you have heard the audio of Obama calling Kanye a jackass but it is so worth listening to again. Obama is the God damn man and this is hilarious.
I am in such a rage spiral right now I can’t even think of a way to make this funny. After watching these two clips of the Tyra Banks audience literally shitting their XXL panties and giving themselves spontaneous miscarriages over the fact that Tyra is showing them her “real” hair, I am now going to pray to God to take me while I sleep tonight. Please God, kill me. No, don’t just kill me, make me explode or burst into flames! In your name I pray.
There is no way I am the same species as these cackling twats. These fuckers make the Oprah audience look like Buddhist monks! How did this happen? How did we become so stupid? Were people always this vapid and I’m just noticing now because of the internet?
Right now you are correctly asking yourself, “What is this ‘Shack’ that all my friends are constantly talking about? Is it the latest trendy nightclub? Is it a sexually transmitted disease?” You idiot! It’s the god damn, motherfucking Radio Shack, bitch!
Much like Miracle Whip, Radio Shack is about to dial up their attitude and punch you in the face with their dick, and if you don’t like it you can kiss their ass right through their skinny jeans. I’m sure you’ve been on the subway and overheard a couple young hipsters in Flaming Lips T-shirts talking about cruisin’ on down to The Shack to pick up some 4700µF 35V 20% Axial-Lead Electrolytic Capacitors before going to the liquor store to pick up a sixy of PBRs. BOOYAH!
I was just at Lollapalooza and all I heard in the audience was “Shack this” and “Shack that.” In fact, Snoop Dogg spent half of his set giving shout-outs like “Where my bitches at? Where my 20A 250V Ceramic Fuses at? Raise your 4A, 400V Full-Wave Bridge Rectifiers in the motherfucking air, and wave ’em like they are rated 4-amps, with 400 Peak Inverse Voltage!”
Joey Greco’s team of “Cheaters” cockblockers make Chris Hansen look like fucking Cupid!
Look pal, I just want to drive over to my mistress’ generic condo, buy her some drinks at the local douchebag bar, maybe take a quick ride on the mechanical bull and then it’s back to my van for a sloppy B job. If you don’t mind Joey, I would like to do all of this without you and your fancy spy cameras digitally zooming into my face and identifying me with the latest face-recognition technology from NASA. Now kindly get your lip pubes and your mysterious good looks out of my face, I need to go pick up some hard lemonade, a 3-pack of condoms and a chocolate rose before meeting my lady friend in the Olive Garden parking lot. Don’t make me expose the skeletons in your closet, “Joey.”
Yeah, I know I have already written about mega-fuckface Criss Angel, but I don’t have time to write anything good tonight and he’s fresh on my mind thanks to several commercials running during Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m not sure why I just watched 3 episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter. I am ashamed. Technically, I’m listening to it while I work. Man, that guy’s wife has some ridiculously huge tits. The Dog family appears to love mullets and Jesus in equal parts. I think I will paint a portrait of Jesus with a mullet and a bunch of dreamcatchers in his hair, and send it to Dog. He will shit his leather pants!
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Crissy. I almost hate Criss Angel as much as Guy Fieri, but at least Criss knows how to wear sunglasses on the front of his god damn motherfucking face. Can someone tell me why Criss Angel is always pointing at me? Keep your filthy finger up Carrot Top’s ass and out of my face, you piece of shit. It must take so much effort making sure you have enough “Thunderdome” outfits to last every day of the week.
Back to Dog the Bounty Hunter for a second… Apparently every person who lives in Hawaii is a major drug addict. Why do all these dirt bags get to live in paradise while I dick around in the stupid Midwest? Why do I do everything wrong?
