I’m going to keep this short because this subject literally elevates my heart rate to a dangerous level.
There really is absolutely no reason we should have to debate gay marriage. Not only is it un-American to deny this right, it is inhumane. Why the fucking fuck would anyone give a shit if two people who love each other want to get married?!? It’s so ridiculous that I honestly can barely gather my thoughts enough to finish this.
The fact that two people get married, whether they be straight or gay, has nothing to do with your existence. Life will go on exactly the same so worry about your happiness and don’t deny others theirs.
One more thing, if you support gay marriage and are straight you should still be out there protesting. This is an issue of basic civil rights and we should stand together.
If you know me personally, there is a good chance you know that I hate to poop. You may also know that I can go several days without pooping. Those poop-free days feel like a gift from God. I would imagine it feels not unlike getting a call from the Governor that spares you from the electric chair.
I am not trying to be funny or outrageous with these claims, I honestly hate everything about pooping. People often try to convince me that “pooping feels soooo good” but I will never understand how forcing a tube of warm, smelly feces out of my butthole is supposed to feel good. I feel sad and humiliated while taking a dump. You know the way most dogs look embarrassed when pooping in public? I’m sure I look exactly the same every time I poop.
Pooping at home is bad enough but the panic I feel when I realize I am going to have to shit in a public bathroom is unrivaled. Taking a shit in an airport might be the worst thing to ever happen in my life. NO, pooping on the plane is even worse.
I need to go lie down.
p.s. I love farting! I just wanted to clear that up.
I have always hated American Idol but this season has taken me over the edge. For some reason I keep seeing it every week. Specifically I keep catching this season’s “rocker” Adam Lambert perform, and each time I want to dig my eyes out of my skull and shove them down my ears while smashing my face through the TV. I fucking hate the fuck out of this prancing turd and his eye makeup. I would spend every penny I own (which is like 207 pennies) just to have the chance to kick him in the smooth area where his balls should be.
Music is dead. No, the music industry is dead. Everyone, including supposed indie bands, are so fucking into their look and their image now. Even a band like the Strokes, who pretend to be dirty and disheveled, spend just as much time picking out their outfits as the American Idol douchewads. Fuck everyone, what happened to awesome, ugly, dirty, sweaty bands like the Minutemen or the Replacements?
If this clip of Adam Lambert taking a shit all over Johnny Cash doesn’t make you want to go on a killing spree then you need to kindly punch yourself in your penis and/or vagina.
This is one of those subjects that fills me with so much rage that I’m not convinced I can make it through without punching my computer in the face. It does not help that it’s past midnight and I am tired from drinking.
OK, I know you have seen, or at least heard of, Mtv’s Cribs. Well now they have a new version called “Teen Cribs” that makes me want to dig a hole and bury myself alive. You might think from the title that this program visits the homes of famous teenagers like the Jonas Brothers and shows how awesome they are and how bad you suck. Believe it or not, it’s actually much worse. Teen Cribs goes to the homes of rich families who happen to have teen children. Are you following me? These are just a bunch of random rich asshole teenagers! They are not famous and they have literally achieved nothing more than being lucky enough to fall out of the vagina of a rich woman.
Who the fucking fuck wants to watch some spoiled fuck with unruly hair take you on a tour of their parent’s mansion? No wonder this country is about to implode!
Well, aren’t you just king of the fucking jungle? That’s right alligator, Brad owns your bitch ass just like he rules at medium level Guitar Hero and beer pong. That’s right, shut your pussy mouth, gator, Carol is in control now, just like she’s in charge of the motherfucking office lottery tickets every week. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?
What kind of a pathetic turd do you have to be to take pleasure in fucking around with some poor animal in a misguided attempt to look tough? Are people going to see the photo on your fridge and think it was taken in the wild and you are not the douchebag they secretly always thought you were? I don’t care if it’s an ant or an alligator, if you enjoy tormenting another living creature you are a grade-A piece of shit.
My honest desire is for every jackass who poses for one of these photos to have their heads torn off by these awesome, prehistoric killing machines. I want to see them eaten whole and I want to be there when the gator poops out little scraps of J. Crew and, ironically, Crocs. I want their families to watch as a fed up alligator grabs Daddy by his fat face and drags him underwater leaving only his soiled denim shorts and NASCAR hat behind. Ahhhhh, let me take a moment to daydream about that a little longer…
These clips are like porn to me. Go get ’em gators!
I made the mistake of stopping on Mtv this afternoon while looking for something on TV to nap to. I love to nap to the vapid drone of the television. I just do. Did you know your brain is less active while watching TV than it is when you are sleeping? Well, my brain just about shut off to the point of forgetting to make my heart beat and my lungs breathe after I made the mistake of watching an hour of the new season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
In college (and maybe a little out of college) I used to casually watch The Real World. I didn’t technically enjoy it, but I watched enough to be able to tell you that Jay on the London cast loved mac and cheese and that Colin from the Hawaii cast was totally NOT into Amaya but made the mistake of making out with her, probably because he wanted to fondle her huge boobs, and she totally fell in love with him and wanted to snuggle and baby talk and make him kiss stuffed animals every night in his bunk bed but Colin was like rolling his eyes and feeling totally trapped but didn’t know how to get out of it. However I had to stop watching the Real World when A) I realized I was an adult and B) Mtv starting exclusively casting idiots with explosive rage disorder.*
The only thing worse than the obnoxious alcoholics that kick, scream and casually fuck their way around the overly-colorful Ikea catalog that is the Real World house is the same people coming back even more obnoxious and alcoholic-y year after pathetic year to compete** in the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. These people really have got to be the biggest collection of douchebags mankind has ever known.
In the same way that you are a shitty parent if you let your kids watch Bratz, you are an equally bad parent if you let your kids watch ANYTHING on Mtv. Unless you want your child to grow up thinking life is simply a series of ever-growing drunken, semi-nude tantrums, I suggest you keep their tiny brains far away from Mtv.
*I just made that up but I’m sure it’s real.
**Compete = fighting and fucking each other
