You just made my list!

I was on such a roll and yet here we are, with no post to get you through your miserable day. I really screwed the pooch.

Let’s see, what’s my excuse for not writing last night? Oh yeah, I was too tired from “bringing it” P90X style.

You want a quickie? Here you go. I hate people who always say “no, I’m just kidding” after every jokey comment they say. Really? I used to work with a girl who said this after EVERY joke, no matter how small. Were you kidding when you said you were “hungry enough to eat a horse?” Thanks for clearing that up because I was horrified that you would ever consider eating such a majestic animal. Not to mention, I was seriously doubting your ability to actually consume a 950 pound creature. Plus, where the hell are you even getting this lunch horse? Thank god it was all a joke Kelly.

Leave me alone.

For the first time since I was in high school I have a TV in my bedroom. It is thanks to this TV that I have been exposed to Kelly Ripa and her parade of enthusiastic nonsense!

Regis Philbin is either retarded or the most patient human on the planet. I feel like you could stick that man in a garbage bag filled with mosquitoes and he would keep on smiling and telling stories about having lunch with Charles Nelson Reilly or whatever the hell he talks about.

Kelly Ripa is that horrible kind of woman who thinks, and knows, she is oh so adorable and no matter how fucking annoying she is people fall all over themselves to love her. She could stand up on that desk and explode diarrhea all over Regis while eating a kitten and the audience of sassy hairs would giggle and hoot like a bunch of mindless idiots. The worst thing is that if I ever met Kelly Ripa I would probably fall under her whore spell (3 whore references in 4 days!) like a zombie. I’m trying to convince myself otherwise, but I would probably smile and thank her for blasting shit all over my face too.

Why is Kelly Ripa constantly shooting poop on people?

I know you have all heard that annoying clicking noise your cell phone makes when it’s near speakers and about to do something. Maybe a call is about to come in or you’re getting a text but either way it makes your speakers go crazy. It’s an annoying sound but the thing that really bugs me is that now I’m trained to reach for the phone when the clicking starts. It’s like a pre-ringtone. Nothing is more pathetic than reaching for your clicking phone thinking you are getting a call only to be disappointed with no ring. Sometimes the jerk just clicks for no reason!

This is the dumbest post ever. Any of you who were planning on telling me I suck don’t need to, I have taken care of it for you. How the fuck am I supposed to make this subject interesting? Maybe I should have included some nudity. You know why I suck lately? It’s because I have not had any beer in the house for weeks. I’m always better after a beer or 5.

Whatever, start your own blog!

Here’s how to fix a noisy cell phone by the way…

I can’t even explain why Michael Phelps bugs me so much but he really does. Even before he became the “cool” Michael Phelps with the Asian stripper girlfriend he bugged the shit out of me. He’s douchey, am I wrong? Somehow he even managed to make kicking serious ass in the Olympics super boring. And if I have to see one more photo with his pants so low I can see pubes I’m going to go on a killing spree.

I purchased a new “personal groomer” last week to prevent my “personal” areas from looking like a 70’s porno. Like a lot of items these days, it was sealed up nice and tight in a clear plastic clamshell package. I took one look at this packaging and realized it was going to be a while before I started trimming the yard.

By the way this thing was sealed shut you’d think it was a time capsule containing all the secrets of mankind meant to be shot into space. Without exaggeration, I would estimate that it took me about 13 hours to get it open.

Can you believe how hard my life is?