You just made my list!

Yeah, you’re going to sit in that window and read a book.

In the history of window nooks there have been exactly 3 people who have used them to relax with a good book. I also saw a study on these so-called “sitting areas” that said, and I quote, “It is our finding that no evidence exists to support the claim that any bedroom sitting area has ever been used for actual sitting. We are only able to find examples of sitting areas being used for laundry storage, the putting on of socks and several incidents of kinky birthday sex.”

Give up the dream people, we are Americans and we don’t know how to read words on paper anymore. We don’t need to continue this silly charade! Nobody really wants to curl up with a book and a cup of tea in their window. Try a 2-liter of X-treme Nitro-Nacho Mountain Dew and 4 hours of Farmville on Facebook while sitting in front of the TV.

God bless us.

Hey building, thanks for making me look like a dick every time I try to go into you. Here’s an idea, you’ve got two doors, keep them BOTH fucking unlocked! You’re an asshole, building.

What is the point of this little game of cat and mouse? Are you trying to appeal to the gambler in all of us? Should a bolt of adrenaline rush through my body as I approach your precious doors, not knowing if I will be allowed to enter the promised land or be left tugging an immovable door like some big dumb idiot? Perhaps if you actually rewarded me with money when I am lucky enough to choose the correct door I would be more excited about your dumb little game of chance. It’s like you are the older kid sitting on my chest, beating me with my own hands while saying “Stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself?”

Stop fucking with me, building, I just want to go see my dentist without looking like a jerkwad.

Fuck you.

I hate these two assholes. Can I just say that I hate them and their fucking ridiculous 15′ x 10′ Manhattan apartment and leave it at that?

I guess we are supposed to find it charming that they spent $150,000 on this shit hole but it has the opposite effect on me. I want them to die. I don’t find anything cute about people who use their kitchen cabinets to store their clothes. I hate their 3′ wide bathroom and I feel sorry for their cats. Not because they also have to live in such a tiny space, rather I feel bad that the cats have nowhere to hide while these creepy douchebags have creepy douchebag sex in their creepy serial killer apartment.

I think this story is supposed to make me think Manhattan is wacky and unique, but it just makes me think Manhattan is absurd.

I don’t really care much either way about football, but in honor of the Chicago Bears opening game last night, I feel it is my duty to take a virtual dump all over one of the least thoughtful renovations of a historic landmark ever.

Solider Field was officially opened in 1924 and has been home to many historic events. In 2002 the city of Chicago and some other douchebags decided it was time to renovate the stadium but because the stadium was listed on the National Register of Historic Places, they could not monkey around with the existing structure too much. The solution? Drop a fucking ugly piece of shit INSIDE and ON TOP OF the existing Soldier Field. This has got to be the laziest, most thoughtless work of architecture that has ever made it from blueprints to construction. How the fuck did the city let this happen?

Guess what the first thing to happen was after these “improvements” were completed? It was swiftly and wisely removed from the National Register of Historic Places.

The dick heads responsible for this brilliant design, Benjamin T. Wood and Carlos E. Zapata, should be in architecture jail right next to Frank Gehry.

Sorry, this one was not very fun or funny, I’m too lazy to be creative. Blogging sucks.

Is it just me or does it seem like a porno or a drug deal gone bad could break out at any moment in these places?

You can always spot a McMansion from a mile away thanks to the “grand” entrance they ALL have. I wonder what it must feel like to enter your home through such a fantastic portal. On one hand you must feel big and important because you are living the dream but at the same time you must also feel tiny standing next to your giant plastic pillars. Actually I would imagine the “rich “people who own these monstrosities usually just enter through their two car garage. Yeah you heard right, these titans of industry can park two cars, indoors!

The only good thing about McMansions is that you can be sure most of the douchebags who own them are currently losing their asses in this terrible economy. That’s something to be happy about, right?

If you have ever traveled by car through the Midwest, or “the belly of the beast” as I call it, you will know exactly what I am talking about. By the way, I have literally never called the Midwest “the belly of the beast” and I have no idea why I wrote that.

Anyway, as you drive through the flat middle of America there are a few things you are guaranteed to see… billboards for Jesus, adult bookstores, fireworks stores all claiming to be the world’s largest and/or craziest, J.B. Hunt trucks and inexplicable clusters of generic housing developments in the middle of corn fields.

Let me be clear, I am not criticizing the people who live in these homes. If this is their American dream then great, I am almost happy for them. I’m just saying that when I see these cookie-cutter, soulless houses huddling together like frightened bunnies with nothing more than a single tiny tree to shelter them from the whipping winds a wave of depression washes over me. I’m not kidding, these communities are my idea of hell on earth. HELL ON EARTH!

If you are wondering why this isn’t very funny or interesting it’s because I’m super tired from my drive home today and I just woke up from a nap. I hate naps. I always feel worse after a nap. You hear that naps, I think you just made my list too!

I haven’t even finished typing this sentence and already my blood is boiling from having to look at this ass clown’s shitty building. I mean look at this crooked hunk of crap he designed for The Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Is he blind but nobody wants to hurt his feelings? Maybe he’s like that kid from The Twilight Zone who can turn you into a donkey or a house plant with his mind if you make him mad or disagree with him. Or maybe he’s like a drunk frat boy who wakes up after a weekend of beer-bonging and realizes “Shit dude, I totally have a building design due today!”

The best part about this building? M.I.T. had to sue Frank Gehry because this tangled mess leaks and generally sucks ass. It literally says “sucks ass” in the lawsuit!

Don’t try and tell me he’s breaking new ground and pushing the envelope because you are wrong. Frank Gehry is concerned with one thing, Frank Gehry’s checkbook. He knows he can literally take a dump on a table and some stupid mayor who is afraid of looking uncool will agree to spend $500 million to build a turd-shaped building. Have you ever seen the back of the Jay Pritzker Pavilion and Bandshell in Chicago? If you think the front is ugly, which it is, take a look at the back sometime and you will see a perfect illustration of how fucking lazy this jerk is.

Fuck Frank Gehry! I’m right and I know everything.

Gallery of Frank Gehry’s crimes against humanity