You just made my list!

So, why haven’t I been writing lately? Turns out, when you move to Hawaii, you have to sell everything you own first. And, it turns out, selling everything you own is a fucking pain in the ass that takes up every free minute of your life.

I mention this so that I can fully illustrate my disgust with today’s topic. It takes something insanely stupid to get me motivated enough to hop back on the computer, and today I found it at a Red Robin restaurant.

Has it really come to this? Are Americans actually so lazy that they can’t be bothered to raise their heads to watch TV? Do we need TVs in the floor? You wouldn’t want to miss a single second of Maury Povich while waiting to cram a Fiesta Southwestern Ranch Bacon Spicy Beef Jerky Slim Jim Burger with extra bacon crumble and a side of bacon juice down your fucking throat. Who’s the real father of the baby? I don’t know but there’s a good chance he’s in back “cooking” my “food.”

We deserve to have our economy collapse. We deserve Donald Trump as our President. We deserve Jersey Shore and the Kardashians. We are pathetic. It’s over.

There’s no part of this video that is funny or worth joking around about. If you think this cunt is a GIANT CUNT then turn it into something positive and text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation to help the earthquake & tsunami victims in Japan.

By the way, here’s what it was like to be in the middle of that little “tsunami thing.”

Hey ladies, do you want a new car? Of course you do. You could work hard, save your money and buy yourself a new car but who has the energy for that bullshit? Why don’t you do it the Mama Gena way and get your husband to buy you a new car. All you have to do is whore it up a little and that new PT Cruiser will be sitting in your driveway before you can say “low self esteem!” Now, when I say act like a whore I’m not talking about simply getting a little kinky in the bedroom, I mean literally be a whore and trade sex for objects, because after all, isn’t that what a healthy relationship is all about. PREACH SISTER GODDESS!

Have you ever seen a mom, perhaps your own, drink a few too many glasses of white wine (with ice) and attempt to skateboard? It inevitably ends with her splayed out on the driveway with her skirt over her head, laughing maniacally while everyone else just stares and feels embarrassed on her behalf. Mama Gena’s pathetic antics are not even CLOSE to being that cool.

For the low low price of $4,750 (you know, that makes a decent down payment on a new car) Mama Gena will help you find your inner vapid bimbo. Oh, it’s worth it, just watch her describe the complex art of “sexy” hand holding in the clip below and you’ll see she really knows her stuff. It’s like watching a virgin describe how to give a blowjob. I should also mention that the virgin is your sister and she’s demonstrating on your dad’s finger.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Come on, really? I mean… what? I don’t need this shit, not today, not ever. Why?

When I hear someone say “That’s what I’m talking about” I immediately trace my steps and try to figure out how I ended up in this frat house and where the hell did my pants go?!?

I hate this phrase. It literally makes me cringe. Actual physical cringing takes place. It’s never used to describe something genuinely awesome, like a cure for cancer or a box full of kittens. Instead, it’s used to describe important events like witnessing your buddy vomit into his own hands. Everyone knows the correct response to that situation should be a gentle nodding of the head and a quiet “beautiful” whispered to yourself.

I would also like to point this bullshit out, thanks to a comment from JulieJulieJulie on the previous Rachael Ray post. The world is ending.

Have you ever been sitting around your trailer at 3am and thought, “Well, I have five pieces of bacon and four paper towels, how can I turn this into something?”

Are you wealthy enough to own a microwave*? Then guess what Jethro? YOU-ARE-IN-LUCK! Genius and all around loud person, Rachael Ray, has developed a “recipe” that even your pathetically stupid ass can manage. The creativity doesn’t stop with the recipe, Rachael has even given her creation a catchy name… “Late Night Bacon!”

At first I was confused because when I go trolling for street-walking prostitutes I refer to them as Late Night Bacon, and although both activities require at least four paper towels, I eventually figured out Rach was talking about something completely different.

So sit back and enjoy Rachael Ray’s Late Night Bacon recipe. I recommend reading the comments (including one from me buried in there somewhere).

*It’s like a TV that you stick your food and wet socks into.

I seriously hate that I have to vote today. I can’t find a single politician worth my vote.

They all act like a bunch of asshole kids fighting over a broken toy. They don’t actually want to PLAY with the toy, they just want CONTROL of the toy.

The attack ads were so bad this year, I could barely watch People’s Court! Yeah, don’t FUCK with People’s Court if you want MY vote.

When did our country become so dumb? Were we always this dumb but I didn’t notice it because I was too busy listening to Van Halen and skateboarding?

So happy Voting-For-The-least-horrible-Choice day!

Speaking of Lost…
ARE-YOU-FUCKING-KIDDING-ME-WITH-THIS-BULLSHIT?

What the fuck is wrong with me? Let me count the ways… I hated the show Lost, watched it for 7 years, was so angry at the show’s finale I almost killed myself for wasting countless hours watching time-traveling douchebags get chased in the jungle by smoke, and yet SOMEHOW I decided I should give NBC’s “The Event” a try because it was supposed to be the next Lost. I am the biggest asshole that has ever lived. I honestly hate myself.

As the opening credits rolled on the pilot episode last week, I thought to myself, “Listy (I now call myself “Listy” in my thoughts) what are you doing to yourself?” But then I was like, “Shut up Listy, this time it will be different!” Then I put myself in a headlock and gave myself playful noogies until I cried out “UNCLE” and peed my pants.

Little did I know how bad it was about to get. To make a long story short, The Event is about… drum roll… wait for it… OMG… A DISAPPEARING COMMERCIAL AIRPLANE!

Ha ha ha NBC and ABC, I’m slow clapping because I now realize you have joined forces with the sole purpose of making me so crazy that I jump off the roof of the nearest Taco Bell. I mean how else do you explain the fact that the show that is supposed to be the next Lost, a show about a disappearing commercial airplane, just happens to be about a disappearing airplane?!? Fuck me.

I’ll jump, I’ll do it!