You just made my list!

I have been debating whether or not I want to give any more airtime to this woman and ultimately I decided FUCK YEAH, I want to talk more about my new friend, Charlene DeLoach over at charlenechronicles.com. Why bother, right? She has an insignificant blog that floats in a virtual toilet filled with literally millions of predictable, vapid, self-centered “mommy blogs.” Why waste my time? Because Charlene epitomizes something I deeply despise… hypocrisy.

Let’s get something straight… Charlene the big scary attorney, came to MY website and accused ME of stealing from her. She also used that opportunity to make a thinly-veiled threat that I might somehow be sued for embedding her fascinating video about FUCKING DEODORANT!

So, let’s give old Mrs. DeLoach the benefit of the doubt and once again explain section 6C of YouTube’s terms of service…

For clarity, you retain all of your ownership rights in your Content. However, by submitting Content to YouTube, you hereby grant YouTube a worldwide, non-exclusive, royalty-free, sublicenseable and transferable license to use, reproduce, distribute, prepare derivative works of, display, and perform the Content in connection with the Service and YouTube’s (and its successors’ and affiliates’) business, including without limitation for promoting and redistributing part or all of the Service (and derivative works thereof) in any media formats and through any media channels. You also hereby grant each user of the Service a non-exclusive license to access your Content through the Service, and to use, reproduce, distribute, display and perform such Content as permitted through the functionality of the Service and under these Terms of Service. The above licenses granted by you in video Content you submit to the Service terminate within a commercially reasonable time after you remove or delete your videos from the Service. You understand and agree, however, that YouTube may retain, but not display, distribute, or perform, server copies of your videos that have been removed or deleted. The above licenses granted by you in user comments you submit are perpetual and irrevocable.

Great, that clears everything up! Obviously when presented with this fact Charlene, the accomplished attorney and “social media expert” will post a retraction and an apology for accusing me of copyright infringement. She goes back to blogging about how confusing daylight savings is and I go back to barely trying and still being the world’s greatest blogger. WRONG! Instead, this hypocrite turns her hypocrisy machine that spews hypocrisy turds all over the fucking room up to 11. She even went as far as contacting Degree (can you believe this all started over deodorant?) via a tweet seeking their assistance in a “legal matter” she was “dealing with.” All high-powered attorneys know the best way to contact a major corporation is a tweet.

Clearly now in survival mode, Charlene began controlling the flow of information that contradicted her obviously incorrect accusation of stolen content. She began removing any comment from her blog, no matter how non-confrontational, that pointed out the errors in her claim of theft. Charlene has even gone as far as blocking the I.P. address of any visitor who disagrees with her. She conveniently left up the comment that oddly states “It doesn’t matter what the YouTube rules are.” Really? Do all you mommies teach your children that rules do not apply to them? Do you teach your kids to hide from the truth and disguise the facts? Fucking white people! Wait, I’m white.

So, for those of you keeping score, we have 1) an attorney who believes laws somehow don’t apply to her… 2) a blogging and social media expert who doesn’t understand the basic rules of one of the largest websites on the internet… 3) a social media expert / attorney who thinks tweeting is the appropriate way to contact a company about a legal matter and who thinks this major corporation gives a shit about any of this… 4) a social media expert who believes censorship is the appropriate way to handle ideas that conflict with her own… and 5) a mommy expert who thinks any and all of the above is OK.

Charlene DeLoach sounds like the perfect person to speak at your next blogging conference! Perhaps a panel discussion called “How to Do Everything Wrong.”

I hate blogging.

Some of you might have noticed a comment I received on my last post about Degree magical motion sensing deodorant from a blogger (and ATTORNEY!!!!!) named Charlene. The purpose of this comment was to inform me that embedding her Youtube video was a violation of copyright. Guess what Perry Mason, you lost another case and your client is going to the electric chair.

Let’s all spend less than 3 seconds to research your claim of copyright infringement and look at Youtube’s terms of service, section 6C…

“You also hereby grant each user of the Service a non-exclusive license to access your Content through the Service, and to use, reproduce, distribute, display and perform such Content as permitted through the functionality of the Service and under these Terms of Service.”

You are as bad at being an attorney as I am at not being awesome.

Let’s also keep in mind that her vague but threatening comment all centers around a video about DEODORANT! She wants to argue about deodorant? Your husband is a lucky man, you seem REAL carefree and fun Charlene!

Oh my dear friends, the story doesn’t end there. I took a little walk over to charlenechronicles.com and what do I see? What the fucking fuck do I see, but a rant… ABOUT ME! In this little rant, Charlene blabbed on and on about copyright violations, which would be fine IF I ACTUALLY VIOLATED HER RIGHTS. Clearly Charlene, the world’s greatest attorney and self-proclaimed social media expert, doesn’t understand the contract she entered into with Youtube.

Now, will she print a retraction and apologize for having the fucking gall to accuse me of stealing her STUPID VIDEO ABOUT DEODORANT? What do you think? I submitted a comment on her blog explaining Youtube’s policy but it has yet to be approved and I’m pretty sure it will not be.

My favorite thing about her asinine post is that she refuses to link to my site because she doesn’t want to “drive traffic” to me. I think you can risk sending your 3 readers a month my way. Based on your impressive average comment count of zero, I think it would be OK.

Let me make something very clear, I am not pretending to be angry in an attempt to be funny or get back at this woman, I am genuinely VERY pissed off. I don’t need some boring, bland, blogging mommy who spends her days shilling for deodorant companies to accuse me of stealing from her and then use me as a topic of discussion on her incredibly interesting blog that normally covers exciting topics like a block-by-block description of her morning jog. At one point she saw a pile of trash on the street! Thrilling Charlene.

I hope Charlene has purchased and cleared the rights for EVERY photo and graphic she has ever used on her blog. If not, that would be a major violation against the copyright owners. I may not be a lawyer, but I once saw a porno about a bunch of lesbian lawyers, so yeah, I pretty much know a thing or two about the law.

Let me tell you something about most of these mommy bloggers… they are liars and they are charlatans. They are snake-oil salesmen and they are shills. They give RAVE reviews of products and encourage you to check them out with an innocent little link. What most people don’t know is, contained within that link is code, code that pays the sweet little mommy a commission when other mommies buy whatever shit the blogger is “loving.” Hard to imagine anything other than a five star review when a possible commission check is looming overhead.

I’m waiting for my apology Charlene. I want the world (a.k.a. your 3 readers) to know how sorry you are for accusing me of stealing from you when the reality is that you, the blogging and social media expert, couldn’t blog your way out of a blog sack. I don’t know exactly what a blog sack is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that hard to blog out of.

I hope you enjoy the traffic I’m sending you.

It’s bad enough that I spend half my day reading and writing stupid emails when I could be using that time to lie face down on the floor waiting for death, but I have to come up with appropriate titles for my little miniature novels too? Why is modern society so God-awful?

I mean what the fuck subject am I supposed to use when sending an email with bad news, for example? I don’t want to blow my wad and give all the juicy details away with a subject like “Accidentally killed a hobo today. Prob going to jail” but I also need to subtly warn the recipient that this is not your average hilarious email with a link to a rollerblader falling off a roof.

On the other hand, I can’t be too casual and write a subject that is overly optimistic, like “Hey” or “Guess what” and then whack them with the bad news of my hobo manslaughter in the body of the email.

I’m left with few options and feel obligated to go with something like “Today sucked” or “Hobo news.”

And I refuse to leave the subject blank, that’s the quitter’s way out! I don’t want to be stuck in some back and forth email exchange with my mom about hobo murder, and have “re: re: re: re: re: re: re:” staring back at me. I simply don’t think that honors the life of Flapjack Pete.

I’m writing this from my phone because Comcast has decided to ruin everyone’s fun. Apparently Comcast’s internet service is down all over the Midwest. There are a lot of boners that will go un-whacked tonight. So feel free to discuss anything you like. I suggest something like “Do you think Guy Fieri wears sunglasses on the back of his fat sweaty head to cover up an underdeveloped twin?”

I don’t care what you REALLY look like because I’m masturbating to the stock photo of “you” on your company’s website the entire time you are  giving me the run-around on the phone. Consider it your punishment, or consider it my gift to you. Either way, it’s happening. Take THAT Comcast!

Don’t even get me started on Facebook. Too late.

I’ve got plenty of things to say about everyone’s personal reality show, Facebook, but after seeing these two status updates today, and the odd thumbs up-ing that followed, I decided it was time to share my important opinion on the misuse of the “Like” button.

Perhaps we should blame Facebook for not having a button for the three main human emotions… “like,” “dislike” and “this is giving me a boner.” However, I would suggest we should blame ourselves (not me) for not understanding the proper usage of the thumb positioned in an upward direction.

My advice would be to pretend that person is standing right in front of you telling you their “status” face to face. Let’s try it out…

“I just found out I have cancer.”
“I LIKE IT!”

“My dog was just hit by a car.”
“I LIKE IT!”

“I fear I will never fulfill my dream to be a professional juggler.”
“I LIKE IT!”

Only one of those responses was appropriate, can you pick which one?

By the way, it’s very tacky to make your murder party BYOB. If I’m paying $10 at the door I expect a keg at the very least. Other than that I’m sure it’s going to be a blast!

I’m writing this from my phone because Comcast is shoving the internet up its own ass! I’ve been without an internet connection for over 14 hours now and it’s seriously cramping my style. How will I keep up with every single cute thing my Facebook friends’ kids say? Don’t even get me started on an ENTIRE DAY without porn! I hate you Comcast, I want my porn back!

It’s bad enough being told to “dream” by some piece of shit hanging on your wall, but when you cheerfully ask me to let God’s love climb inside me and do something blah blah blah at the end of your email, it fills me with a form of rage yet to be described by the English language.

I just want to know why you haven’t shipped my Ninja swords yet, I don’t need your dime store Obi-Wan Kenobi bullshit at the end of your email. When a person is sitting at home waiting for their fucking Ninja swords to arrive so that he might protect himself from rival Ninjas in the neighborhood, do you really think he wants to be told “When you believe in yourself the possibilities are endless?” NO! I WANT MY SWORDS!

Why is it that the more horrible and pathetic your shitty life is the more you believe in crappy inspirational nonsense? Do you think Donald Trump ends his emails with “Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see?” Of course not, and we all know Donald Trump is the most powerful, rich, awesome, charismatic, classy man in the universe. We should be so lucky! You think Donald Trump has to lock himself in the house for two weeks while he waits for his swords to arrive? Are you kidding? That man gets his swords flown to him on a private jet directly from Chinese Ninja training camps.

And PLEASE stop telling me to have a “blessed day.” I don’t want a blessed day, I simply want my swords.